Cancer it is

So I found out yesterday what I had been hoping I wouldn't.  My biopsy showed cancer. Apparently no matter how much you prepare for the worst and plan for it to happen, you still think it won't. It's like your brain tricks itself into thinking that since you prepared you won't need it, Murphy's law. Like a teacher lets a "pop quiz" leak to the class so they will study, but then doesn't give it to them. Since they studied and knew the material, she didn't need the test.

A couple things that have come to light in the 24 or so hours since I found out:

• No matter how much you mentally prepare, you are never mentally prepared. 
• You will second guess every decision you thought about and researched when it was just a hypothetical. 
• It is worse to have to tell people the news than to hear the news yourself. It is exhausting to try to care about how other people feel and want to make them feel better about it when you don't know how to make yourself feel better. 
• I don't think it is really possible to say the "right thing". There is a pretty much  non-existent line between ignoring it and downplaying it too much and caring and talking about it too much, and the line moves every 5 seconds. I don't want you to ignore it and pretend like it is nothing, but I don't want you to make a big deal out of it either. Also, I know people want to "Do something to help" Imagine how I feel. And as much as I want you to be able to help and feel needed... I dont know what you can do to help and really don't want to try to think of something. I feel selfish, but I really don't care or want to think about how you feel right now.
• I understand people have a lot of questions. So do I, but it is frustrating to be asked questions you don't know the answer to.  It makes me feel worse because I know I am the one talking to doctors, and can ask all the questions. I am already beating myself up over not asking enough questions and getting more answers, but you don't think about questions at the time. My mind was (and is) in a haze. I know there are a million questions I should have and could have asked. Trust me. Being reminded doesn't help.

So now that I have ranted about that...

The answers I do have:

• I have some sort of thyroid cancer. (I think papillary but not 100% sure or know if the Dr. knows for sure yet.
• At this point I am planning to have it removed in the next 10 weeks (during my 2nd trimester). They will take out my whole thyroid and I will be on throid meds forever.
• I might need further radioactive iodine treatment.  I am not sure when I will know about that. I think after surgery. 
• I meet with the surgeon July 29th. So I will know more then (and will have a list of all my questions and try to get as many answers as I can). 

I have another blog post that I wrote a few weeks ago, that I didn't really plan on ever posting. (I thought only if I got a bad result, but I was hoping I wouldn't.) I will probably post that in the future, it goes though my options and what I have been thinking about them. I also planned to do one to talk about the biopsy  and how that went... but not now. (long story short- you don't get lidocaine when you get a biopsy while pregnant...)

And to lighten the mood: Belly pic

 

16 weeks

My Handsome boy

Is it or isn't it?

My appointment with the endocrinologist was June 26th. As someone who has never waited for an appointment that was not exciting or pretty routine, it is infinitely more stressful. Part of you wants them to hurry up and part of you wants them to never call your name. You are focusing too hard on not crying, because you don't even know what is going on yet.

You get called back for vitals from the nurse, and she asks "Do you have any questions?" Ha...Ha...Ha....

So we get back to the room and wait...for like 30 minutes...it was awful. But finally the Dr. gets there. He examines me, and apparently I pass all of his tests. (Yay!?) Then he gets to my ultrasound results. The "good news" is that what the sonographer called microcalcifications might not be. Longish story short apparently there are 2 things that will show up as "bright spots" on an ultrasound. Mircocalcifications (MCs) and colloid crystals (CCs). MC are almost always cancer, CCs, are almost always not. MCs look like a period, CCs look like a comma. Here are some pictures supplied by Google for reference.

Colloid Crystals

Microcalcifications

As you can see, they are very hard to distinguish between the two. The Dr. said that some looked like they had a tail and some didn't. He was going to send me for a biopsy of both nodules, and it could really go either way. Cancer or not, he wouldn't be surprised.  But the more he talked the more he sounded like surgery was in my future, and that he was just trying to give me a "non-cancer" straw to grasp at.

He basically said, if it is not cancer, then we do nothing since all my levels are normal. If it is then we take out my thyroid. I could either do it during my second trimester or after baby is born. Both have about the same risk, and I would be on hormone replacement for the rest of my life. I might have to do radioactive iodine, but that could wait until after I was done nursing. He made it all sound like it wasn't a big deal at all.

Here are the "good news" things I took away that day:

• It still could not be cancer
• If it is cancer there is a 99% survival rate.
• It isn't a kind of cancer that I would need chemo and lose my hair.
• My baby is not in any real danger right now. 

So... I guess all in all, it could have been a worse visit....Now it is just waiting for the biopsy and results. My biopsy is scheduled for July 19th.

(this post was written July 8th)

Thyroid Ultrasound

So a few days after my first pre-natal appointment, I had yet another ultrasound, but this time I didn't get to see my baby. This one was on my neck. I have to say, with this being my first non-baby US the experience is quite a bit different. The atmosphere in the room is not one of excitement. There are no pictures taken to be shared, and you aren't looking excitedly at the screen.

I had to lie on the table and stare at the ceiling without swallowing. (Thankfully that really wasn't an issue as my mouth was too dry to swallow). It is also a little hard to breathe with someone pushing on your neck, while nervous and laying down, but it is possible (in case you were wondering).

I tried to watch the screen out of the corner of my eye, but after a few minutes my eyes started to hurt, and then the tech got on to me for moving my head so she couldn't get a clear picture, so no matter how good I might be at reading ultrasounds, I had very little to go on. Here is what I had:

• It took about 30 minutes, when I had read online it took about 15.
• From the corner of my eye it looked like there was bloodflow to/through the nodule, which I assume is not good.
• She changed probes 3 times. I don't know if that is normal, but it has never happened during a baby US. 
• The ultrasound tech looked concerned if I had to guess, and she immediately went and told to radiologist what she found before she said I could go. 

Not much to go on, but I didn't leave feeling comforted or reassured that this was "probably nothing". My midwife was supposed to call and let me know anything I needed to.

On the way home I called my aunt to talk and catch up. I told her everything I had to go on, and said I know it probably doesn't mean anything, and I was just being paranoid. I told her I wouldn't worry unless they called and magically had an opening for the endocrinologist. (My appt was scheduled for 2 months away on Aug19th, their first available appointment). I put it from my mind and did my best not to worry.

However, Murphy's Law strikes again.  That afternoon I picked up the little man from daycare and then went to go pick up Adam. When I arrived at daycare I was on the phone with my best friend, so I just left it in the car on bluetooth while I ran in to grab him. Of course in the 2 minutes I was inside, my midwife calls.

Things you know are not a good sign when you get a message from a Dr.:

• She starts to tell you something 3 times and then interrupts herself and says call me. 
• She tells you to call her at anytime that evening. She will be waiting for your call.
• And that Endo, who didn't have an appt free until 2 months from now, magically had a cancellation and you have an appointment for the next morning.

I immediately called her back, but seeing as it was 5:15, I had to go through the after hours service, who could only call the on call midwife (not mine) and have the on call midwife call mine and have her call me. I finally heard from her after an agonizing 2 hours.

She said "One of my nodules was very concerning". Wait- ONE of? Apparently I have 2 large nodules on my thyroid.

The Ultrasound report puts it "nice" and concisely.  

The right lobe measures 6.8 x 2.0 x 1.7 cm. A heterogeneous, mixed cystic/solid nodule containing micropapillary calcifications is seen in the mid right thyroid gland. This measures 2.6 x 2.4 x 2.2 cm. 

The left lobe measures 6.6 x 1.7 x 1.6 cm. A mixed cystic/solid nodule measuring 1.5 x 1.0 x 2.6 cm is seen in the left lower pole.  

Impression: Bilateral thyroid nodules as above. Both meet sonographic criteria for fine needle aspiration/biopsy. The right nodule is highly suspicious.

In case you weren't sure, "highly suspicious" are words that make you heart stop a little when about a lump in your body...especially when you are pregnant.

 I guess on the bright side, I would have answers sooner rather than later because of that "fortuitous" cancellation......

Here is a quick 3d model of the size of each nodule for reference...

(This post was written July 8)

Unexpected growth...

With this pregnancy I decided to change doctors. I loved my old doctor, but I didn't like my birth experience with the hospital or the other doctors in her practice when she wasn't on call. So I decided to change to a midwife practice this time around. It still operates at a major hospital, where I will deliver, and I will still have a supervising OB, but the care is more holistic. I feel this is yet another way God is taking care of me. I went in for my intake appt, which was just confirming pregnancy, blood work and meeting with the nurse, and scheduled my first ultrasound. My US showed my due date to be 1/1/16, and my LMP has my due date as 1/5/15. The midwives are going to use the January 5th date becuase that give me as much time as possible without getting induced. I, personally, am going off the January 1st date, because it is a more fun due date, and I think probably a little more accurate.

I had my first real visit with the Midwife at right around 12 weeks. She was great and I really liked her. I know that moving was the best decision. Unlike my previous OB, my exam was not just ask about weight gain, diet, baby's heart beat and measuring fundal height. She seemed to care more about me as a mother, not just me as a baby gestator.

One thing that solidified that was both good and bad. She examined my thyroid, and noticed that I had a fairly large nodule on it. She immediately ordered more blood work and a thyroid US. While worrisome, it really assured me that I made the right decision and that God was looking out for me. If I hadn't changed practices who knows when someone would have noticed it. I had previously noticed it, but I didn't think anything of it. I just thought I was feeling my thyroid. Thankfully, after some research (thanks Dr. Google!) I discovered that 90% of people have thyroid nodules, and 95% of those nodules are benign.

So I am being thankful right now in light of this possibly scary occurrence.
I will continue the story in my next post.

Here are the pictures from my first US.

(this post was written 7/8)

Growing again...

It has been a long while since I have posted, but in light of everything going on I thought blogging might be good for me.

To catch everyone up. Our little boy arrived, J.A.P, 1/13/13, and it has been busy around here since then. And now we are expecting baby number 2, exactly how God planned.

God is good at showing me he is in control even when I want to be in control, and I am trying to keep that in mind and close to my heart right now. When Adam and I decided we were ready to talk about baby number 2, I told him I wanted it to be a surprise. I knew it would be next to impossible to surprise me with a pregnancy, but I put it out there. I track everything in an app I have, so the likelihood of being surprised, was pretty much none. We tried for about 4 months, with nothing.

March comes around and I was hoping it would happen this month. I was a day or two late and had taken a couple tests, all negative. So I did what any woman would do who wanted an answer one way or another, and let murphy's law take over. I put on white pants and went to the store and bought a 3 pack of the expensive pregnancy tests. It worked like a charm. I had my confirmation that I wasn't pregnant before I had a chance to take a test.

We planned to not try in April, because I wanted to try to avoid another Christmas/Birthday sharing baby. So I began planning and hoping for a leap day baby. Well the end of April came around. Even though I wasn't late yet, and knew based on timing and planning it was VERY unlikely that I was pregnant... I had a whole 3 pack of pregnancy tests waiting....so I took one.

Well, God managed to give me exactly what I wanted, a surprise. I was shocked... and then my next emotion was guilt. The last time I got pregnant, I took a test without telling Adam I was doing it, and it was positive. I just walked out of the bathroom with a dazed expression on my face and asked him if I was reading the test right. There was no surprise for him or excitement of taking the test together. I wanted it to be better and different this time. I had planned to take the test together and let him find out at the same time as me, but now that was not gonna happen. So I immediately went into planning mode. I made a shirt for the new Big brother and painted my belly to say "Hi Daddy". When the boys got home, daddy went upstairs to change like he does every day, and I quickly changed the little man's shirt and gave him a "present" to give daddy. I taught him to tell daddy he was going to be a brother.

It worked perfectly. The little man said everything like he was supposed to and Daddy was surprised. Our new little surprise is due right around New Year's 2016, and I couldn't be more excited.

Parents :-)

This week my mommy and daddy sent me gifts from Florida (Yay!) and my in-laws are visiting from Indiana this weekend (Yay again!... except for having to clean my house which I have not done yet...). My daddy sent me Florida State shirts so I am all set for football season. Hopefully this baby is the boy I think he is, because while I am sure my daughter would be good at anything she puts her mind to, I really don't want me daughter to be a "quarterback in training". My mommy got me dressier work clothes. It will be SOO nice to not have to wear the same pants my entire next work trip like I did this last one.

Other than that not much exciting has happened this week. The baby is kicking all the time. He seems to be very active around 11am and 9pm. It amazes me that he is already beginning to have a schedule and, in my mind, personality. I have never been pregnant before, but I feel like he is much more active than most babies. I think he is going to have a lot of Adam's personality. I don't know why I think that I just do. But he loves flipping around in there and kicking up a storm. I think he is already trying to kick his way out of captivity.

Oh! Adam and I found a really good brunch place this weekend. I had french toast and BLT Benedict. SO good. It was the first time since I became pregnant that I missed the ability to dink or wanted a drink at all. They had a drink there called the "Scarlett O'Hara"($2 for brunch), which, if I remember correctly, was champagne, peach schnapps, and cranberry juice. Yummy.

Here are the pictures:

I'm cool

FSU Baby

Belly

New Shirt

New Pants

My Little Soccer Player

I will be 18 weeks on Monday and I am officially in maternity clothes. The problem is I only have one pair of pants and 3 shirts. It is just so difficult to spend money clothes I know I will only wear for the next 6 months. I need to go to a consignment store and find some cheap ones. I tried just getting the belly band, but it was uncomfortable and didn’t really work well for me. I think I will just get a pair of jeans and have one pair of nice pants, one pair of jeans and several shirts and make due.   I am realizing I am having the same problem with maternity clothes that I have with regular clothes. Everything is too big. Apparently have the freakishly small shoulders because EVERYTHING is always too big in the shoulders and chest.  I thought maternity would work better than regular clothes because my belly was bigger, but nope I have freakishly tiny shoulders.

Adam is happy because our little one is already brushing up on his soccer skills. He is quite the little kicker. I am feeling him move daily now. Sometimes it is still just fluttery movements, but more and more it is actually kicks. Adam finally felt him for the first time tonight. I felt the first solid “kick” about a week ago but Adam couldn’t feel it. I could occasionally feel it from the outside, but I think it was partially because I could also feel it from the inside and knew what I was feeling. But tonight Adam actually felt it. I think I may have been more excited than he was (but he also just doesn’t show emotion like I do…). I have felt bad that I could feel it and he couldn’t… but not anymore!

August 21 is the big day of our ultrasound. While I am pretty much positive it is a boy, hopefully we will find out for sure then. I will be SHOCKED, and really a little disappointed if we find out it’s a girl. I originally wanted a girl, but I have been thinking of him as a boy and planning for him to be a boy now, so it would almost be like losing my boy if I find out it’s a girl (but I am sure I would get over it very quickly… the first time I go shopping for girl clothes… if not before…) I will update you when I know for sure. 

Here are some of my new maternity clothes (I haven't taken a real belly pic this week yet. These were right at 17 weeks and just phone pics).

 How far along? 17 weeks, 5 days
Total weight gain: 4 lbs. from pre-pregnancy, up 12 lbs from my low point (I had gained 10 lbs in the 4 weeks between doctors appointments... eek! more than I planned...)
Maternity clothes? Yep!
Stretch marks? none yet... I DEF need to start to cocoa butter soon, or this answer is going to change...
Sleep: I am sleeping pretty well...if I have my pregnancy pillow... I thought I could make do without it in Chicago this week ad just use a bunch of hotel pillows... I was wrong....
Best moment this week: Getting new clothes (and spending a relaxing day today with my hubby just driving around enjoying each others company. 
Miss Anything? Sleeping on my stomach…
Movement: Pretty much daily now, and getting REAL kicks that even Adam can feel!
Food cravings: Really just anything but meat.... Still liking eggs instead of meat and still loving fruit.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Being too hungry.... I threw up for the first time in several weeks yesterday because I forgot to eat until noon.
Gender: Still feeling boy, and excited to meet my little man.
Labor Signs: No!
Symptoms: Back pain and round ligament pain, with the occasional cramps... and swollen ankles if I walk around too much.
Belly Button in or out? In but stretched REALLY tight now.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy… usually…unless I am not...I burst into tears the other day over Audrey and Haley hanging out and having fun together because I was alone in Chicago....