Incredibly Blessed

It is amazing how in less than two weeks I can go from getting diagnosed with cancer, to feeling like one of the most incredibly blessed people on the planet... and no my cancer diagnosis has not changed.

I have been meaning to write a blog since I met with the surgeon on Wednesday, but I have not had a chance to sit down and do so.

Now that I finally have time, here is what has been going on:

• Blessing #1: After meeting with the surgeon, it looks like my cancer has not metastasized and spread to my lymphnodes. 
• Blessing #2: while I hate the circumstances that have led to this blessing, as I would never wish anyone else to be in my position, I will be the 3rd pregnant thyroid cancer patient my surgeon has operated on this month, so I feel very comfortable with her experience. 
• Blessing #3: After making an offer on our dream house last week we had to move up our timeline for listing our house, so after a week of frantic cleaning and packing we had pictures on Thursday, listed it on Friday morning, and by Friday night had 3 showings, followed by like 7 more yesterday, and like 3 more today (I lost count at some point, all I know is we had to be gone pretty much all weekend to allow for showings). Having so much interest made for a very stressful weekend, but was such a blessing as it reassured me we would be able to sell our house before the contingency ran out on the new house. 
• Blessing #4: Early this morning we got an offer. For 10% more than asking price!!! I about fell out of bed when I read it. I was going to be excited for simply a full price offer, to get more than that is SUCH a blessing. 

I am so happy and it is such a great feeling that to know that through everything God is watching over us and looking out for us. While it is hard to see it sometime, especially with everything going on, I have been reassured that "All things work together for good for those who love him" (Rom 8:28)

In other news, we have a date for my surgery. I will be having a Total Thyroidectomy and possible central neck dissection (I think they should have renamed that surgery to something less scary sounding) on September 14th at 1:30pm. I will be in the hospital at least overnight, but as we are both doing good then we will get to go home the next day.

I do have a couple prayer requests for the coming days and weeks if you are looking for something specific to pray for:

• Continued peace about everything. I have been pretty good so far (I think the house stuff has been an awesome distraction)
• That our sellers will be willing to change the closing date. We originally were set to close on Sept 30th, but our buyer would like to close on Sept 3rd. If they aren't willing to change we will be homeless for a few weeks in the interim, while I am going to be having and recovering from surgery. 
• That we will pass our inspection and have our house appraise for the selling price. Since it is quite a bit more than we were asking and what other houses on our block have sold for I am a little nervous about the appraisal. 
• That all financing for ourselves and buyers will go through with no issues. And we will be able to get packed up and moved by Sept 3rd with everything we have going on. 
• I have my MFM appt on Tuesday. Pray that everything looks good with baby and that everything looks good to go ahead with surgery. 
• And then the obvious, prayers for surgery itself. Pray that there is no unexpected metastases and that the tumor is not invading my vocal nerves too bad (it looked like it might be on the ultrasound), and the Dr.is able to remove it with no complications. 

Thank you for your prayers and support. I really never thought having so many people praying and thinking about you would help, but it really does. People keep asking what they can do, and I am realizing, that is enough. Knowing people are thinking about me and care, has made a world of difference and I feel like one of the most blessed people on the planet right now.  

You can never really be too busy....

So we decided this weekend that we didn't have near enough going on in our life right now and we needed to add selling our house in the next 30 days to the mix.

We had been intending to list ours next week, and had just started looking at houses. We went to look at our first house this weekend and fell in love. It is everything we have been looking for in a house (except it doesn't have a fireplace). It is still close to town, but feels like it is in the middle of the country. It is big enough, with plenty of storage and space. It is perfect.... So we made an offer. They were ok with the contingency that our house sells, but only gave us 30 days. So we have to ramp up into high gear. EEK!!!

So this week will consist of Realtor tonight, Home inspection tomorrow, Surgeon (and haircut) on Wednesday, Pictures of our house on Thursday, Fri-Sun will be cleaning and packing and getting ready for showings, Monday a cleaning company is coming to deep clean, Tuesday is Appt with high risk OB... and that is just what is planned so far. A week ago none of this was on my agenda.

At my last midwife appt she told me that this was the "boring time of pregnancy". In the 9 days since then I realized that she was no where near correct for this pregnancy. But I feel that in all of this I am blessed. I have something good and exciting to keep me moving forward each day. I don't have time to be stressed. All last week I was barely functioning. Just doing the minimums for work and wallowing in self pity. This week I have renewed energy. I know I don't have time to sit down and feel sorry for myself. There are wonderful things going on. We found our dream house! They say if you want something done, ask a busy person. When you have everything going on you keep yourself going, there is no time to sit and think. It is just one foot in front of the other, keep moving forward.

I am glad I had time to do so much thinking the last few weeks. Now I am in get up and do mode... and boy do I have a lot to do right now :-)

Planning for the unknown: An impossible (hypothetical) decision

 Preface:

The following post was written a couple weeks ago when I was just beginning to think though everything.

I have been thinking about if I want to post it. I don't want to change it because it was what I was thinking about at that time and I don't want to lose that. But, in another sense I realized while much of what I was saying was true, it really was hypothetical. Pretty much all of the facts I know now are the same, but at the time I didn't take into account how much feelings and emotions can play into a decision. I didn't REALLY believe it would happen, so I wasn't too emotional. I felt the stress and emotion that comes with  the possibility of having to make a decision of that magnitude, but not the full range of emotions that comes with the decision itself. The hypothetical is a much easier decision than the reality. 

I didn't plan for the fear and other emotions that have come into play. They aren't rational, but that doesn't mean they aren't important. We are given emotion and instincts for a reason. I don't think that means the rational needs to be removed from the situation, but how you feel is just as important of a factor. During my last pregnancy I had a strong feeling my son was a boy.  There was no tangible reason, but that doesn't mean I didn't know. 

In that same regard, ever since hearing the news, my mama bear instincts and/or fear and/or some other unnamed emotion is making me seriously doubt what I want to do. I can't tell if it is a gut feeling I should listen to or just fear. I plan to move forward with a second trimester surgery at this point, because I can always change my mind and push it back. From now until surgery I will just keep doing what I have been doing. Waiting, and thinking, and praying, and getting more information. And I pray that at some point between now and then, I get peace about a decision. So far that plan has never steered me wrong and God has always given me peace in those decisions. Although I will say, this decision feels much different and more difficult than any decision I have had to make to this point.

Cancer it is

So I found out yesterday what I had been hoping I wouldn't.  My biopsy showed cancer. Apparently no matter how much you prepare for the worst and plan for it to happen, you still think it won't. It's like your brain tricks itself into thinking that since you prepared you won't need it, Murphy's law. Like a teacher lets a "pop quiz" leak to the class so they will study, but then doesn't give it to them. Since they studied and knew the material, she didn't need the test.

A couple things that have come to light in the 24 or so hours since I found out:

• No matter how much you mentally prepare, you are never mentally prepared. 
• You will second guess every decision you thought about and researched when it was just a hypothetical. 
• It is worse to have to tell people the news than to hear the news yourself. It is exhausting to try to care about how other people feel and want to make them feel better about it when you don't know how to make yourself feel better. 
• I don't think it is really possible to say the "right thing". There is a pretty much  non-existent line between ignoring it and downplaying it too much and caring and talking about it too much, and the line moves every 5 seconds. I don't want you to ignore it and pretend like it is nothing, but I don't want you to make a big deal out of it either. Also, I know people want to "Do something to help" Imagine how I feel. And as much as I want you to be able to help and feel needed... I dont know what you can do to help and really don't want to try to think of something. I feel selfish, but I really don't care or want to think about how you feel right now.
• I understand people have a lot of questions. So do I, but it is frustrating to be asked questions you don't know the answer to.  It makes me feel worse because I know I am the one talking to doctors, and can ask all the questions. I am already beating myself up over not asking enough questions and getting more answers, but you don't think about questions at the time. My mind was (and is) in a haze. I know there are a million questions I should have and could have asked. Trust me. Being reminded doesn't help.

So now that I have ranted about that...

The answers I do have:

• I have some sort of thyroid cancer. (I think papillary but not 100% sure or know if the Dr. knows for sure yet.
• At this point I am planning to have it removed in the next 10 weeks (during my 2nd trimester). They will take out my whole thyroid and I will be on throid meds forever.
• I might need further radioactive iodine treatment.  I am not sure when I will know about that. I think after surgery. 
• I meet with the surgeon July 29th. So I will know more then (and will have a list of all my questions and try to get as many answers as I can). 

I have another blog post that I wrote a few weeks ago, that I didn't really plan on ever posting. (I thought only if I got a bad result, but I was hoping I wouldn't.) I will probably post that in the future, it goes though my options and what I have been thinking about them. I also planned to do one to talk about the biopsy  and how that went... but not now. (long story short- you don't get lidocaine when you get a biopsy while pregnant...)

And to lighten the mood: Belly pic

 

16 weeks

My Handsome boy

Is it or isn't it?

My appointment with the endocrinologist was June 26th. As someone who has never waited for an appointment that was not exciting or pretty routine, it is infinitely more stressful. Part of you wants them to hurry up and part of you wants them to never call your name. You are focusing too hard on not crying, because you don't even know what is going on yet.

You get called back for vitals from the nurse, and she asks "Do you have any questions?" Ha...Ha...Ha....

So we get back to the room and wait...for like 30 minutes...it was awful. But finally the Dr. gets there. He examines me, and apparently I pass all of his tests. (Yay!?) Then he gets to my ultrasound results. The "good news" is that what the sonographer called microcalcifications might not be. Longish story short apparently there are 2 things that will show up as "bright spots" on an ultrasound. Mircocalcifications (MCs) and colloid crystals (CCs). MC are almost always cancer, CCs, are almost always not. MCs look like a period, CCs look like a comma. Here are some pictures supplied by Google for reference.

Colloid Crystals

Microcalcifications

As you can see, they are very hard to distinguish between the two. The Dr. said that some looked like they had a tail and some didn't. He was going to send me for a biopsy of both nodules, and it could really go either way. Cancer or not, he wouldn't be surprised.  But the more he talked the more he sounded like surgery was in my future, and that he was just trying to give me a "non-cancer" straw to grasp at.

He basically said, if it is not cancer, then we do nothing since all my levels are normal. If it is then we take out my thyroid. I could either do it during my second trimester or after baby is born. Both have about the same risk, and I would be on hormone replacement for the rest of my life. I might have to do radioactive iodine, but that could wait until after I was done nursing. He made it all sound like it wasn't a big deal at all.

Here are the "good news" things I took away that day:

• It still could not be cancer
• If it is cancer there is a 99% survival rate.
• It isn't a kind of cancer that I would need chemo and lose my hair.
• My baby is not in any real danger right now. 

So... I guess all in all, it could have been a worse visit....Now it is just waiting for the biopsy and results. My biopsy is scheduled for July 19th.

(this post was written July 8th)

Thyroid Ultrasound

So a few days after my first pre-natal appointment, I had yet another ultrasound, but this time I didn't get to see my baby. This one was on my neck. I have to say, with this being my first non-baby US the experience is quite a bit different. The atmosphere in the room is not one of excitement. There are no pictures taken to be shared, and you aren't looking excitedly at the screen.

I had to lie on the table and stare at the ceiling without swallowing. (Thankfully that really wasn't an issue as my mouth was too dry to swallow). It is also a little hard to breathe with someone pushing on your neck, while nervous and laying down, but it is possible (in case you were wondering).

I tried to watch the screen out of the corner of my eye, but after a few minutes my eyes started to hurt, and then the tech got on to me for moving my head so she couldn't get a clear picture, so no matter how good I might be at reading ultrasounds, I had very little to go on. Here is what I had:

• It took about 30 minutes, when I had read online it took about 15.
• From the corner of my eye it looked like there was bloodflow to/through the nodule, which I assume is not good.
• She changed probes 3 times. I don't know if that is normal, but it has never happened during a baby US. 
• The ultrasound tech looked concerned if I had to guess, and she immediately went and told to radiologist what she found before she said I could go. 

Not much to go on, but I didn't leave feeling comforted or reassured that this was "probably nothing". My midwife was supposed to call and let me know anything I needed to.

On the way home I called my aunt to talk and catch up. I told her everything I had to go on, and said I know it probably doesn't mean anything, and I was just being paranoid. I told her I wouldn't worry unless they called and magically had an opening for the endocrinologist. (My appt was scheduled for 2 months away on Aug19th, their first available appointment). I put it from my mind and did my best not to worry.

However, Murphy's Law strikes again.  That afternoon I picked up the little man from daycare and then went to go pick up Adam. When I arrived at daycare I was on the phone with my best friend, so I just left it in the car on bluetooth while I ran in to grab him. Of course in the 2 minutes I was inside, my midwife calls.

Things you know are not a good sign when you get a message from a Dr.:

• She starts to tell you something 3 times and then interrupts herself and says call me. 
• She tells you to call her at anytime that evening. She will be waiting for your call.
• And that Endo, who didn't have an appt free until 2 months from now, magically had a cancellation and you have an appointment for the next morning.

I immediately called her back, but seeing as it was 5:15, I had to go through the after hours service, who could only call the on call midwife (not mine) and have the on call midwife call mine and have her call me. I finally heard from her after an agonizing 2 hours.

She said "One of my nodules was very concerning". Wait- ONE of? Apparently I have 2 large nodules on my thyroid.

The Ultrasound report puts it "nice" and concisely.  

The right lobe measures 6.8 x 2.0 x 1.7 cm. A heterogeneous, mixed cystic/solid nodule containing micropapillary calcifications is seen in the mid right thyroid gland. This measures 2.6 x 2.4 x 2.2 cm. 

The left lobe measures 6.6 x 1.7 x 1.6 cm. A mixed cystic/solid nodule measuring 1.5 x 1.0 x 2.6 cm is seen in the left lower pole.  

Impression: Bilateral thyroid nodules as above. Both meet sonographic criteria for fine needle aspiration/biopsy. The right nodule is highly suspicious.

In case you weren't sure, "highly suspicious" are words that make you heart stop a little when about a lump in your body...especially when you are pregnant.

 I guess on the bright side, I would have answers sooner rather than later because of that "fortuitous" cancellation......

Here is a quick 3d model of the size of each nodule for reference...

(This post was written July 8)

Unexpected growth...

With this pregnancy I decided to change doctors. I loved my old doctor, but I didn't like my birth experience with the hospital or the other doctors in her practice when she wasn't on call. So I decided to change to a midwife practice this time around. It still operates at a major hospital, where I will deliver, and I will still have a supervising OB, but the care is more holistic. I feel this is yet another way God is taking care of me. I went in for my intake appt, which was just confirming pregnancy, blood work and meeting with the nurse, and scheduled my first ultrasound. My US showed my due date to be 1/1/16, and my LMP has my due date as 1/5/15. The midwives are going to use the January 5th date becuase that give me as much time as possible without getting induced. I, personally, am going off the January 1st date, because it is a more fun due date, and I think probably a little more accurate.

I had my first real visit with the Midwife at right around 12 weeks. She was great and I really liked her. I know that moving was the best decision. Unlike my previous OB, my exam was not just ask about weight gain, diet, baby's heart beat and measuring fundal height. She seemed to care more about me as a mother, not just me as a baby gestator.

One thing that solidified that was both good and bad. She examined my thyroid, and noticed that I had a fairly large nodule on it. She immediately ordered more blood work and a thyroid US. While worrisome, it really assured me that I made the right decision and that God was looking out for me. If I hadn't changed practices who knows when someone would have noticed it. I had previously noticed it, but I didn't think anything of it. I just thought I was feeling my thyroid. Thankfully, after some research (thanks Dr. Google!) I discovered that 90% of people have thyroid nodules, and 95% of those nodules are benign.

So I am being thankful right now in light of this possibly scary occurrence.
I will continue the story in my next post.

Here are the pictures from my first US.

(this post was written 7/8)

Growing again...

It has been a long while since I have posted, but in light of everything going on I thought blogging might be good for me.

To catch everyone up. Our little boy arrived, J.A.P, 1/13/13, and it has been busy around here since then. And now we are expecting baby number 2, exactly how God planned.

God is good at showing me he is in control even when I want to be in control, and I am trying to keep that in mind and close to my heart right now. When Adam and I decided we were ready to talk about baby number 2, I told him I wanted it to be a surprise. I knew it would be next to impossible to surprise me with a pregnancy, but I put it out there. I track everything in an app I have, so the likelihood of being surprised, was pretty much none. We tried for about 4 months, with nothing.

March comes around and I was hoping it would happen this month. I was a day or two late and had taken a couple tests, all negative. So I did what any woman would do who wanted an answer one way or another, and let murphy's law take over. I put on white pants and went to the store and bought a 3 pack of the expensive pregnancy tests. It worked like a charm. I had my confirmation that I wasn't pregnant before I had a chance to take a test.

We planned to not try in April, because I wanted to try to avoid another Christmas/Birthday sharing baby. So I began planning and hoping for a leap day baby. Well the end of April came around. Even though I wasn't late yet, and knew based on timing and planning it was VERY unlikely that I was pregnant... I had a whole 3 pack of pregnancy tests waiting....so I took one.

Well, God managed to give me exactly what I wanted, a surprise. I was shocked... and then my next emotion was guilt. The last time I got pregnant, I took a test without telling Adam I was doing it, and it was positive. I just walked out of the bathroom with a dazed expression on my face and asked him if I was reading the test right. There was no surprise for him or excitement of taking the test together. I wanted it to be better and different this time. I had planned to take the test together and let him find out at the same time as me, but now that was not gonna happen. So I immediately went into planning mode. I made a shirt for the new Big brother and painted my belly to say "Hi Daddy". When the boys got home, daddy went upstairs to change like he does every day, and I quickly changed the little man's shirt and gave him a "present" to give daddy. I taught him to tell daddy he was going to be a brother.

It worked perfectly. The little man said everything like he was supposed to and Daddy was surprised. Our new little surprise is due right around New Year's 2016, and I couldn't be more excited.

Parents :-)

This week my mommy and daddy sent me gifts from Florida (Yay!) and my in-laws are visiting from Indiana this weekend (Yay again!... except for having to clean my house which I have not done yet...). My daddy sent me Florida State shirts so I am all set for football season. Hopefully this baby is the boy I think he is, because while I am sure my daughter would be good at anything she puts her mind to, I really don't want me daughter to be a "quarterback in training". My mommy got me dressier work clothes. It will be SOO nice to not have to wear the same pants my entire next work trip like I did this last one.

Other than that not much exciting has happened this week. The baby is kicking all the time. He seems to be very active around 11am and 9pm. It amazes me that he is already beginning to have a schedule and, in my mind, personality. I have never been pregnant before, but I feel like he is much more active than most babies. I think he is going to have a lot of Adam's personality. I don't know why I think that I just do. But he loves flipping around in there and kicking up a storm. I think he is already trying to kick his way out of captivity.

Oh! Adam and I found a really good brunch place this weekend. I had french toast and BLT Benedict. SO good. It was the first time since I became pregnant that I missed the ability to dink or wanted a drink at all. They had a drink there called the "Scarlett O'Hara"($2 for brunch), which, if I remember correctly, was champagne, peach schnapps, and cranberry juice. Yummy.

Here are the pictures:

I'm cool

FSU Baby

Belly

New Shirt

New Pants

My Little Soccer Player

I will be 18 weeks on Monday and I am officially in maternity clothes. The problem is I only have one pair of pants and 3 shirts. It is just so difficult to spend money clothes I know I will only wear for the next 6 months. I need to go to a consignment store and find some cheap ones. I tried just getting the belly band, but it was uncomfortable and didn’t really work well for me. I think I will just get a pair of jeans and have one pair of nice pants, one pair of jeans and several shirts and make due.   I am realizing I am having the same problem with maternity clothes that I have with regular clothes. Everything is too big. Apparently have the freakishly small shoulders because EVERYTHING is always too big in the shoulders and chest.  I thought maternity would work better than regular clothes because my belly was bigger, but nope I have freakishly tiny shoulders.

Adam is happy because our little one is already brushing up on his soccer skills. He is quite the little kicker. I am feeling him move daily now. Sometimes it is still just fluttery movements, but more and more it is actually kicks. Adam finally felt him for the first time tonight. I felt the first solid “kick” about a week ago but Adam couldn’t feel it. I could occasionally feel it from the outside, but I think it was partially because I could also feel it from the inside and knew what I was feeling. But tonight Adam actually felt it. I think I may have been more excited than he was (but he also just doesn’t show emotion like I do…). I have felt bad that I could feel it and he couldn’t… but not anymore!

August 21 is the big day of our ultrasound. While I am pretty much positive it is a boy, hopefully we will find out for sure then. I will be SHOCKED, and really a little disappointed if we find out it’s a girl. I originally wanted a girl, but I have been thinking of him as a boy and planning for him to be a boy now, so it would almost be like losing my boy if I find out it’s a girl (but I am sure I would get over it very quickly… the first time I go shopping for girl clothes… if not before…) I will update you when I know for sure. 

Here are some of my new maternity clothes (I haven't taken a real belly pic this week yet. These were right at 17 weeks and just phone pics).

 How far along? 17 weeks, 5 days
Total weight gain: 4 lbs. from pre-pregnancy, up 12 lbs from my low point (I had gained 10 lbs in the 4 weeks between doctors appointments... eek! more than I planned...)
Maternity clothes? Yep!
Stretch marks? none yet... I DEF need to start to cocoa butter soon, or this answer is going to change...
Sleep: I am sleeping pretty well...if I have my pregnancy pillow... I thought I could make do without it in Chicago this week ad just use a bunch of hotel pillows... I was wrong....
Best moment this week: Getting new clothes (and spending a relaxing day today with my hubby just driving around enjoying each others company. 
Miss Anything? Sleeping on my stomach…
Movement: Pretty much daily now, and getting REAL kicks that even Adam can feel!
Food cravings: Really just anything but meat.... Still liking eggs instead of meat and still loving fruit.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Being too hungry.... I threw up for the first time in several weeks yesterday because I forgot to eat until noon.
Gender: Still feeling boy, and excited to meet my little man.
Labor Signs: No!
Symptoms: Back pain and round ligament pain, with the occasional cramps... and swollen ankles if I walk around too much.
Belly Button in or out? In but stretched REALLY tight now.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy… usually…unless I am not...I burst into tears the other day over Audrey and Haley hanging out and having fun together because I was alone in Chicago....

 

Big for 16 weeks….

So apparently I am “big for 16 weeks”... I *think* that is a compliment; at least I am taking it as such. I guess I have finally “popped”. 

I went to the family reunion this weekend, and it was exciting seeing my dad and grandparents and having them be exciting about their impending grandchild or great-grandchild.

On another note, on Sunday after the family reunion we went down to Gatlinburg for a few hours and walked around and then I drove the 4 hours home. I don’t know if it was the walking or the riding in the car, but by the time I got home my ankles were pretty swollen. I always thought that that was something that didn’t happen until later in pregnancy. I guess I was wrong. Thankfully after a good night’s sleep with my feet up, they were back to normal. But that means I am not anticipating my business trip to Chicago next week because I will be doing A LOT more walking than I did this weekend. Oh well.

Also, I have also already outgrown the new bras I got when I got pregnant… I guess I should have bought even bigger nursing bras than I did. Oh well again. It means I get to go shopping soon. YAY!!!

I am now feeling the baby move pretty much daily. It is really funny any time Adam lays his hand on my belly to feel it the baby goes crazy moving around. It is cute. He/She really loves their daddy.

How far along? 16 weeks
Total weight gain: -2 lbs. from pre-pregnancy, up 6 from my low point
Maternity clothes? I haven’t bought any yet… but I need to. I am down to just yoga pants and dresses.
Stretch marks? none yet.. . need to start to cocoa butter soon, so I don’t get them. J
Sleep: Sleeping pretty well. I really have to use my pregnancy pillow as I can no longer sleep on my stomach because it hurts, but really with the pillow I still sleep ok on my side.
Best moment this week: Seeing all my family!!!
Miss Anything? Sleeping on my stomach…
Movement: Pretty much daily now… Yay
Food cravings: Really just anything but meat.... Oh and Egg Salad earlier this week!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Being hungry.
Gender: Feeling like it is a boy… but holding out a little hope for a girl
Labor Signs: No!
Symptoms: Daily headaches and cramps
Belly Button in or out? In, but stretching tight
Wedding rings on or off? On…
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy… unless I am watching/talking about anything the least bit sad or touching, and the I am crying…

Forced Growth (and not just my belly)

I will be 14 weeks on Monday. I cannot believe how fast this pregnancy is going by. I definitely have a bit of a belly now, although it really only looks like fat, unless you already know I am pregnant. Although, this week I did have my first person ask me if I was pregnant (granted I was rubbing my stomach and had just eaten, so I was extra big, but still.) It was nice to have someone acknowledge that I was not fat.

I used to wonder why pregnant people were always rubbing and touching their bellies, and that question has now been answered. Because it always hurts. Not a truly "in pain" kind of hurt but it just aches, and feels stretched constantly. Especially after a big meal. It feels like a balloon is slowly being inflated from the inside (which isn’t too far from accurate.)

My big news for the week, is that I am now 80% sure of the gender! Rebekah is impatient and couldn’t handle waiting until August to find out, so she bought me the Intelligender test. It has an 80% accuracy rating and it said BOY!!!

I don’t claim to understand God, but sometimes I feel like I know how he works, and I knew he was going to give me a boy, no matter how much I wanted a girl. I think one of the whole points of parenting is to force you to grow (not just literally), and I am too comfortable with girls (which is why I wanted one). Excluding Robert and Hannah who I was really too young to remember their young infancy, I have “raised” 4 (or more) girls their first year of life, and 0 boys. I am not really sure what to do with a boy baby. I am sure they aren’t THAT much different from girls, but all the boys I have nannied or been around have been over 2 (and those were mostly the quiet indoor type boys).

For whatever reason, I have never really been around boy babies. So I knew I HAD to have a boy. God had to push me out of my comfort zone. Having a child at all is significant growth for Adam. It will be for me too, but ESPECIALLY for a boy. I am a bit out of my element with a boy. I would be too confident with a girl. Not the case with a boy. Rather than me feeling that I have more knowledge it will be a new growing experience for both of us to figure out together, and I am looking forward to that. I am just more scared of my chance of failure with a boy.  I will want an outdoorsy boy, but I am SOO not outdoorsy. Boys are so much more active and I am just not sure what to do with that.  That will all be Adam’s department.

God has been very kind at slowly acclimating me to the idea of a boy (I think I would have panicked if I didn’t have any inclination and just found out at my ultrasound/birth that it was a boy). I have had the feeling since pretty much day one, and then I took the baking soda gender test and it said boy, and now this test. There is still the chance that my ultrasound will tell me different, but I highly doubt it.

It is so funny how I can be so much more scared of one gender over the other. They are both babies who are going to completely disrupt my life. Boys are just a lot scarier.

Despite my fears, in some ways I am glad it’s (probably) a boy. I have not even thought of what I would do for a girl nursery, but I have a picture in my head of what I want for a boy nursery. If only I could find what I want online, but I think I am going to have to make it… but that is a topic for another blog post.

Since I am still not confident enough to buy boy things, but I want to do something for our little boy, I have changed my blog to look a little more masculine... 

Here is my gender test from today:

It's (probably) a boy!

Tiny Flutters...

Ok I am finally writing another blog post. 

I am finally feeling a little better most days (and then a day will come when morning sickness comes back full force and bites me in the butt). I have pretty much quit having to take my anti-throw-up medicine.

I finally have a little bit of a belly, but am realizing a “little bit of a belly” sucks. It basically means “I look fat”. I want to live in an ideal world where I go from looking thin and cute (with the new big boobs) to obviously pregnant. I think twins may do that for you, but the more I am thinking and planning for a baby the less ideal twins sound. One at a time sounds just right to me.

We went to the doctor this morning. It was a very quick appointment. I only gained a pound, have a great blood pressure, and heart the heart beat! My OB warned me that it might take her a minute to find it so not to worry or panic. But there is was nice and clear as soon as she put the Doppler down! ( I was secretly hoping that because of my tilted uterus she would have a little bit of a hard time finding it and make me go get another US to I could see my little gummy bear again… No such luck, but I was still VERY happy).

Also, because of where the Dr. found the heartbeat, I am also now sure that I felt the baby move this week!!!! It was nothing big. It is hard to even describe it was just the faintest of little flutters (although flutter is not a good description). It is not a feeling that I have ever really felt. I am looking forward to it getting more pronounced, and turning into kicks and having Adam be able to feel them.

I am still feeling like it is a boy, even though I am leaning towards wanting a girl. So I think Adam is going to win that one, but we will not know for sure until the end of August.

I am going to start including this little “survey” at the end of my blog posts to keep up updated on the “basics”

________________________________________

How far along? 12 weeks, 4 days

Total weight gain: -8 lbs. ( up one from my low point)

Maternity clothes? Nope, but most of my pants need to be unbuttoned. I will probably invest in a belly band soon.

Stretch marks? none yet.. . need to start to cocoa butter soon, so I don’t get them. J

Sleep: I am finally able to fall asleep on my own again. Most nights. Although ever since getting pregnant I have been waking up at like 6:30am. I guess my body is preparing for a baby.

Best moment this week: Hearing the baby’s heartbeat!

Miss Anything? Enjoying food.

Movement: The FIRST LITTLE FLUTTERS!!

Food cravings: Fruit. Tangerines especially this week.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Food.

Gender: Feeling like it is a boy.

Labor Signs: No!

Symptoms: Morning sickness

Belly Button in or out? in

Wedding rings on or off? On…and it seems like looser than ever.

Happy or Moody most of the time: Well since happy is one of the MANY moods I go through in a given day, I will go with moody.

Looking forward to: Enjoying food, having the 4^th of July off work, not look fat, and finding out the sex.

13 week belly Pics!

With shirt down I just look chubby.

With Shirt up you can see a little belly.

Our Redneck Paradise to beat the 109 degree heat this weekend.

The green thing on the tube was a mister that was hooked up to the hose lightly spraying me with cool water, the purple thing is a water gun to shoot Adam :-)

What to expect (and not expect) when you are expecting….

I consider myself pretty well versed in kids and/or pregnancy. Granted this is my first time being pregnant, but I feel as though I have studied it more than the average or above average person. But I have still been thrown through quite a few loops.

Symptoms I expected, that were (mostly) as expected:

• Boobs growing and hurting (hurt a little more than expected, but still not outside of the realm of expectation)
• Increased sense of smell- This is really no worse than I expected. What I didn’t expect is the influence this has on morning sickness… and the fact that it seems like the only things I have an increased sense of smell on are smells I DON’T like. Good things don’t smell any stronger or better… just the bad ones.

Symptoms that I expected, but were NOTHING like I expected:

• Morning Sickness- I even expected it to not JUST be in the morning…but I did not expect 2 months of non-stop endless misery, puking almost all the time, and even when I got meds for puking having NOTHING sound or look good to eat.
• Fatigue- I expected to feel tired, want an afternoon nap etc. I did not expect to feel like my body weighs a ton, and getting off of the couch is an effort.
• Mood Swings- I expected it to be PMS like, and I really didn’t expect it so early. I thought it was a later pregnancy thing. I definitely didn’t expect to go from being a royal witch with a capital B, to cry about the fact that I was a witch with a capital B, 5 minutes later.

Symptoms I didn’t expect at all:

•  Psycho Dreams- I have been having the weirdest craziest dreams ever. And I remember the EVERY night… and I NEVER remember my dreams.
• Increased Saliva- I didn’t expect the disgusting increase in saliva. I have even had to have a spit cup some days. It is gross.
• Insomnia- I expected fatigue… I didn’t expect to be constantly tired and not able to sleep for the life of me.
• Itching- I have been constantly itching. It is almost like I am allergic to being pregnant.
• Cramps- No one told me I would have period like cramps not constantly, but frequently. They don’t really hurt they are just annoying and I didn’t expect them. 

On that note, here are two "belly" pics. (Does anyone else see issue with the fact that I am bigger at 7 weeks than I am at 10 weeks? Yay for morning sickness weight loss....You can even see the stronger puking abs..)

7 weeks

 

10 weeks

 

 

 

A Roller Coaster of a Day: One of the Best and Worst Days of my Life.

So I haven’t written a blog post in a while, because I have been feeling so sick, but I had planned to write one today no matter what. This post is turning out a little differently than I had originally planned. I planned on it to be upbeat and exciting and full of all of my good news, but I am really not feeling it right now.  No worries, the baby is ok. (S)He is growing well and right on schedule with a heartbeat of 174 beats per minute. :-)

But let me go into the details of one of the best and worst day of my life:
This morning started out like any other morning, except instead of waking up puking my brains out I woke up excited to see my little one today. We left in plenty of time to get to the Dr. for my 9:30 appointment, knowing that we would probably hit all sorts of traffic trying to get downtown at that time of day. We got a little lost on the way to the Dr. as I have only had one appointment at this location previously.

Driving downtown around the hospital with a million signs pointing a hundred different directions can be quite confusing, and we almost missed our turn, and made a quick left to try to make it…. Right into the path of another car. She was almost able to stop before hitting us, so thankfully no one was hurt, just delayed an hour and a half while the police came and wrote up a report etc. I called my Dr. and they said they would do their best to work me in still.

By 10:30 we were back on our way to the Doctor. My wonderful doctor was able to get us in and we saw our first pictures of our “beautiful” baby blob. (Pictures below… you can even see what I think is a tiny leg in one of them.)

After an hour and a half at the doctor where they drained pretty much all of my blood, we went out to lunch at P.F. Chang’s (It was 12:30 and I still had not thrown up!!). I called my mom and my MIL and let them know that their grandbaby looked good, as they were waiting anxiously to hear.
Fast-forward 3 hours. I am sitting at home trying to get my whole day’s worth of work done in a few hours, while being distracted by my beautiful blob, and I get a call from my daddy. I answer excitedly thinking he is calling to tell me he saw the pictures and to talk about his grandbaby…I was wrong. (Although he was kind enough to start with that and not send me into full shock.)

No, the reason he was calling was to tell me my sister’s base in Afghanistan was attacked by suicide bombers and she had been airlifted to the hospital over there. My stomach sank through the floor. I have never gone so quickly from such an emotional high to an emotional low (and I don’t think it was pregnancy hormones.). I still don’t know all the details, just what was relayed to me from him, by her in a pretty addled and shaken up state.  Thankfully, as far as we know, she is not *SERIOUSLY* injured. She “just” has a really bad concussion, shrapnel injuries to her forehead and hands, and POSSIBLY a broken bone in her neck. (Hopefully we will know more soon, and I personally think those are pretty serious, but I guess relatively speaking…).

As far as I know, (based on every news article for any part in the world that I could get my hands on combined with what I know from her) the Taliban drove a truck into the middle of her base, close to the base restaurant where she was sitting with some people eating, and blew it up. She blacked out, as she was about 45 feet from the explosion, was dragged into a bunker where our guys proceeded to kill all the (excuse my language) *^%^%^%#@^*&^%$^@. She was then airlifted to a civilian hospital in Kabul, where she was able to call my parents.  That is really all I know. I hope to know more soon, as I am really just writing this as a distraction to keep myself from thinking about it and crying.

As a Pollyanna, who always likes to see the bright side and silver lining, my one hope is that because of all of this my sister will get to come home and be a part of my pregnancy and the birth of her first niece/nephew, whereas otherwise she was planning on being over there until March.

On that note, here are pictures of my beautiful baby blob. :-)

Close up of baby. (head is at the bottom, it is attached to me at the top)

Another Close up. You can see a little foot/leg sticking out. :-)

Futher away, closer to actual size...it is the size of a kidney bean :-)

Another one far away.