Cancer it is

So I found out yesterday what I had been hoping I wouldn't.  My biopsy showed cancer. Apparently no matter how much you prepare for the worst and plan for it to happen, you still think it won't. It's like your brain tricks itself into thinking that since you prepared you won't need it, Murphy's law. Like a teacher lets a "pop quiz" leak to the class so they will study, but then doesn't give it to them. Since they studied and knew the material, she didn't need the test.

A couple things that have come to light in the 24 or so hours since I found out:

• No matter how much you mentally prepare, you are never mentally prepared. 
• You will second guess every decision you thought about and researched when it was just a hypothetical. 
• It is worse to have to tell people the news than to hear the news yourself. It is exhausting to try to care about how other people feel and want to make them feel better about it when you don't know how to make yourself feel better. 
• I don't think it is really possible to say the "right thing". There is a pretty much  non-existent line between ignoring it and downplaying it too much and caring and talking about it too much, and the line moves every 5 seconds. I don't want you to ignore it and pretend like it is nothing, but I don't want you to make a big deal out of it either. Also, I know people want to "Do something to help" Imagine how I feel. And as much as I want you to be able to help and feel needed... I dont know what you can do to help and really don't want to try to think of something. I feel selfish, but I really don't care or want to think about how you feel right now.
• I understand people have a lot of questions. So do I, but it is frustrating to be asked questions you don't know the answer to.  It makes me feel worse because I know I am the one talking to doctors, and can ask all the questions. I am already beating myself up over not asking enough questions and getting more answers, but you don't think about questions at the time. My mind was (and is) in a haze. I know there are a million questions I should have and could have asked. Trust me. Being reminded doesn't help.

So now that I have ranted about that...

The answers I do have:

• I have some sort of thyroid cancer. (I think papillary but not 100% sure or know if the Dr. knows for sure yet.
• At this point I am planning to have it removed in the next 10 weeks (during my 2nd trimester). They will take out my whole thyroid and I will be on throid meds forever.
• I might need further radioactive iodine treatment.  I am not sure when I will know about that. I think after surgery. 
• I meet with the surgeon July 29th. So I will know more then (and will have a list of all my questions and try to get as many answers as I can). 

I have another blog post that I wrote a few weeks ago, that I didn't really plan on ever posting. (I thought only if I got a bad result, but I was hoping I wouldn't.) I will probably post that in the future, it goes though my options and what I have been thinking about them. I also planned to do one to talk about the biopsy  and how that went... but not now. (long story short- you don't get lidocaine when you get a biopsy while pregnant...)

And to lighten the mood: Belly pic

 

16 weeks

My Handsome boy